Speaking of Which...

A mark of the Christmas Season is the giving and receiving of gifts. We give gifts to those we love to show our appreciation for them - to show we care about them and that we think about them. We all try to pick out gifts that we hope will mean something to the person on the receiving end. Oh - it can sometimes be a stressful experience.

Last year it was just that.

By December I was seeing someone - not exclusively, because at that time I was supposed to be "seeing other people". But yeah right! I didn't want to see other people - and the two other dates I did go on during this time were set-ups and just excuses...and I texted Mr. "non-exclusive" right after the first one and during the second one. (You know, I am not sure how people get to exclusiveness...something I have never figured out - maybe you don't tell the person you want to be exclusive with that you need to be able to see other people? - I was scared.)

So here I am, or rather, there I was...Christmas was approaching and I had fallen in love over a game of chess, and figured that I had better be gift shopping! I had never purchased a gift for a man other than my father ...I was so nervous ... the butterfly kind ... but I think they were more like moths. Ugh.

I wanted to get the perfect gift. But I had no clue! I couldn't come up with anything, and I didn't know how much to spend. I had never done this before! If I spent too much - then maybe I would be saying that I was expecting too much. But if I spent too little - then maybe I would be saying that I didn't think much of him, or that I didn't see a future. And I really didn't know what he was thinking about "us" anyway. Money was quite tight at the time - but I loved him...so who cares, right? I wanted to get him an amazing gift while keeping my electricity. So clueless.

I was worried he wouldn't like whatever I got him. I was worried I wouldn't get the good brand. I was worried that he would be disappointed - and that I wouldn't be good enough for him. I was a rather simple, but all too often, pixelated girl, without serious relationship experience. Sometimes I was embarrassed by my lack of dating-relationships. He was older and had had several very serious to serious relationships in the past - and I felt like if he knew what my past was...he wouldn't want me anymore. I was an amateur hockey player, sent out on to the ice to knock around with the big-leaguers. I can't even ice skate backwards. But I wanted someone to teach me how.

We were to go to the ballet and exchange gifts afterward. Aside from being stressed about the present, I was running behind and was worried about my dress - worried about my hair, worried about my make-up - worried about being on time.

Just as I feared, we were late. But he was very, very kind about it, and if it did bother him at all, he didn't show it. "Afterward" surely did arrive! Presents were presented and I wanted to hide. Let's see - who went first? Oh - I remember, we took turns because we each had a couple of gifts for the other person.

His gifts for me were amazing, and my gifts for him were lame. Ha ha! I felt so stupid. I was embarrassed. Where is that cave again? Yeah - the one I want to run in to?

A small box with a bright green i-Pod shuffle, loaded with "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop." A large box with a pair of the most beautiful UGG boots. That's what he got me. That's what I left with that evening. I was elated. (Elated: adj. Exultantly proud and joyful).

A book of pictures of bottled water. (He really likes bottled water, okay!? When he drinks water that is). A dictionary coupled with a thesaurus. (It had decent binding at least!) My plan was to create little love notes throughout the dictionary with the individual words. But as I said, I was running behind - and ran out of time. So no love notes were included. My gifts were so sterile, so impersonal, and I felt like I had insulted "us." Isn't a dictionary and a thesaurus so dumb?! Why didn't anybody tell me? I'm still rather embarrassed about it. I'm still blushing.

Maybe that's why it didn't work out. Ha ha. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

***I was originally going to get him a waffle iron. So he could make eggnog waffles, as was a family Christmas tradition for him as he was growing up. Probably not much better, but a dictionary, Lorien? He did receive my gifts very graciously, however. He's a wonder, and wonderful.***