Font Size

Which font size does everyone prefer?

This font size, which is what I have been using.

Or this font size.  

Sometimes I wonder if my font is too small - and if people are having to strain to read my posts.  But maybe this is too big.


What's the vote?

Regular?

or

Large?

(don't they have something in between?)

a fight, sore mucles, wanting, and Alaska

She works at a nearby gas station and he came by to see her.  They were outside arguing when I pulled up to the pump.  He wants to be hugged.  He wants to be told that he is loved.  He wants them both at the same time.  Is that too much to ask for?  Affection?  She is so angry and says couples just don't do that.  That that's not reality.  It's not the real world for someone to hold you and tell you they love you.  After several minutes of raised voices he gets her to somewhat calm down and pulls her in and gives her a few kisses.  A few seconds later she's back at it.  Angry and mad.  She pulls away and yells at him as he drives off.


The guy I met at the gym a few weeks ago is an ex-Marine officer and now my muscles are letting me know that our regular and early morning workouts together are effective.  Ouch.  Tomorrow I hope I can get out of bed.  Funny thing is, about three weeks ago or so, I was wishing to myself that I had a personal trainer.  Huh.


I learned yesterday that to say you want something is to say you lack something.  So maybe instead of saying "I want a bowl of icecream," say, "I am going to get me a bowl of icecream." If you don't have icecream at that moment and can't afford it - say, "I am saving my quarters for that bowl of icecream I am going to eat next weekend."  Instead of focusing on what you lack - focus on what you are going to do, and how you are going to acquire that trip to London or whatever.  Not just that you want to go.  'Cause that isn't action oriented and won't produce results. 
Something like that.


I've been studying about Alaska.  About blue-green algae, moss and the beginnings of creation.  Plant succession.


Don't read the next section if you don't want to read about a bear violently killing another bear.  I came across it in my Alaska reading.

Bears also have a fierce sense of hierarchy; when fishing, the largest and oldest bears command the spots where the salmon are easiest to catch.  The other bears wait their turn or fish other parts of the stream.  If his prerogatives are challenged, an older bear can react violently.  A few years ago at Brooks River, near Brooks Camp, a young bear made the mistake of venturing into an elder's domain.  The larger bear lunged at the interloper, disemboweled it and then drowned it.  All this happened in full view of the three fisherman, one of whom filmed the event.  At the end they watched dumbfounded as the big bear dragged the soaking body of its victim 25 feet up the embankment and buried it.

For whatever reason, I found this violent occurrence somewhat interesting.  Why is it the killer bear took the time to bury his victim, the innocent (from my POV) younger bear?  Was it out of some sort of respect for a life even though he just killed him?  Or was he just getting him out of sight so they didn't have to be around a dead bear?  Was he hiding his actions?  Nature is a wondrous and sometimes mysterious thing.  

Just because you decide to take up knitting again doesn't mean you actually do it.

I may never have a knitted red scarf - we'll see.

It's rainy today.  And that's fine.

Lately I have been scheming a plan for my 2011 coastal experience.  I think it may involve loading up the Element, heading west on I-80 until I end up in San Francisco with time spent enjoying the coast line at Point Reyes.  San Francisco has lots of great Japanese gardens that I think I should see.  And the food, right?

If I have the time, I will take the PCH south and enjoy the sunny beach near San Diego - then route home through Vegas.  If I have the time.  San Diego has nice Japanese gardens to see as well, I hear.

Either I'll do the above or take it further north and do Vancouver and Seattle - maybe ending with Portland.

To combine all of the above would be lovely....but to do it justice I would want a month to travel.

But I'll take what I can get.

Earthwork: Map of Middle Earth

Misty Mountains upper left.  Mirkwood upper right.  River Anduin coming through.  Fangorn on left.  Emyn Muil on right.

Mirkwood in left.  River Anduin.  Misty Mountains on right.

View from the West.  Sea of Rhun on the lower right.  7 Palintir on left.

View from the Northeast.

Closer view from the Northeast.  Upright stones are memories of those who bravely fought for truth in Middle-Earth.  Artists liberties.

View from the South.  Unfinished.

River Anduin.  Emyn Muil in upper right-hand corner.  Fangorn in background.  Lothlorien, the Goldenwood on left side of river in the middle - crosses both sides of the tributary that flows into Anduin.  Mirkwood on right.

Iron Hills upper left.  The lonely Mountain front and center.

Echos.  Artist liberties.

Oh here we are again!  I must really like this angle.

Shire.  Hobbiton is the brighter patch where the sun is resting.

This is my earthworks project that I have been working on for the past three plus years.  Middle Earth.  These pictures were taken late summer 2010.  I didn't take any pictures of the eye, or Mordor, Gondor, or Rohan, Helms Deep, etc....sometimes you don't realize what pictures you didn't take until you are going through them and looking for specific shots.  This year I'll get it photographed real well and post the pics!  It's almost finished.  My Client has been so kind and patient to allow me the freedom in creativity and time that it has required to produce this artwork.  I have really enjoyed it, especially those Saturdays when my dad and sometimes siblings came to help - even my mom came up with my dad once.  My dad really enjoys working in the map, and it's fun to have him be so excited to make the mountain drive and dig rivers and seas, or give ideas on water, etc.

See - so right now, I love my job.  How could you hate doing this?

Oooh - one more.  The seven palintir.

Never Been a Valentine

I look out the restaurant window and watch the public light rail system click on by.  I have just been reminded that Valentines Day is around the corner due to the lovely restaurant special.  The meal looks delicious, and is planned for two.  But I am just one.

I have never been a valentine.  I am 30 and I don't understand the concept of "couple."  I see couples walk the city sidewalks together - holding hands - and I don't get it.  I don't get how they get there.  I don't get how someone likes someone enough to want to spend enough time with them to be considered a significant other.

Mostly I don't understand how someone could like me enough to want to be my boyfriend, let alone someday want to be my husband.  I don't comprehend it - and most the time I don't believe in it.  I can get real gun-shy with thick walls and no guy so far has wanted me enough to be patient with my lack of believing in a relationship.  And it doesn't mean I don't want one - because I do.  I just don't know how.

I think I'm pretty cool - but maybe not cool enough to get someone that I think is cool too.  And the guys who do show interest in me, I am bored with before the first or second date is over.

I lack a lot of self-confidence in this department, and sometimes I am surprised by my lack of self-esteem.  Most the time I am a loner - which sometimes I equate with loser.

There is one exception.  There is my soulmate - the man I love, who has helped me believe that love is real.  But we are not a couple.  And never made it to couple status even when we were falling in love and going out.  You see, if we had made it to couple status, he would have introduced me to his friends, or he would have had me over to his house regularly to watch a show or just do nothing.  And we never really did any of that - and I wish we would have.  We just spent lots of time together at work and went out several times to dinner, etc.  But nothing informal.  None of the day to day.  But after-hours is when life happens.  That's when I believe he's really interested if he wants to be with me after work.  But there were reasons, I guess, why we never made it to official couple status.  So I guess I could say I do believe in love, but am having a hard time grasping the belief of a relationship.  Frustration.  Why is it when I do meet a man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with, that it doesn't work out, even though I still think it should, and I hope things will change.

Sometimes I get really angry about this.  Really angry, or extremely sad.

And sometimes I hate my job, because that's all I have.  And that's the last thing I want to hang out with after work or on the weekends....more work.  

I do love to be out.  I do love to be around people.  I do love being social.  And I try.  But for whatever reason I remain a loner.  And most people don't want a loner.

Some people have somebody, others don't.
Some people are lucky with love, others aren't.
Some people have someone to come home to, others come home to silence.

I just happen to fit into the latter category.

But I am trying to learn to become okay with this. 

The light rail passes by again.  There are pink and red hearts all over one of the cars, and I am reminded that Valentines Day is around the corner.

Feb 11, 2011

If you thought 52 was a bit to old for me, how about 85?

I was in the theater when he sat down next to me and told me his wife died February 24th of 2010.  I am sure as that date is nearing, her passing is more present in his mind.  It probably always is really.  He lives in South Salt Lake and was at the movies with his daughter and son-in-law but they were sitting near the front and he came to sit by me in the back so he could be closer to the mens room.  He talked out loud for a little bit, asking some questions and sharing some information, in a decibel predictable of an elder.  But I didn't mind even though the movie was rolling.  And I didn't mind for the people around me either.  The movie was lame.

Sometime during the credits, I met his movie-going companions and he told them he was happy to have sat next to a beautiful woman for the movie.  They thanked me and said this was the best date he's been on since his wife died.

I walked out of the theater, bought another ticket and walked back in.  The street cellist was still going at it and I have been told that he has played in that spot for at least over 15 years.  The second movie was better than the first, but had a melancholy-like ending, I think.  The Illusionist.  A different movie.  Hardly any dialogue.  And at the end I was sad that Magicians don't really exist and I felt badly for the old man.  But at the same time, I think I really enjoyed it.

I dined at Vienna Bistro before the movie.....s.  And chatted with an older gentleman that was in town from Arizona.  He thinks the stoplights downtown last too long.   But he's from a small town and probably doesn't have as much traffic moving through each light.  The waiter was very kind to me and the seats were very cushioned, which is probably why I ate as slow as I did.  I was brought out a plate of cured beef and pork along with some pickles.  On the house, the waiter with an accent said.  It's a nice little restaurant right around the corner from capitol theater and couples were coming in dressed nicely while I was in jeans and a leather jacket. 

Earlier in the day I met with an artist who works with mixed media.  I love her artwork and it has inspired me to get started on my own.  She also introduced me to the works of Andy Goldsworthy.  Just google his name and go to images and see why I was thrilled.  

Before that I had an appointment with my health guru and the Candida (fungus/bacteria) levels in my body are just below 50%, which isn't too bad (well, kind of) all things considered, but with 70% of that affecting my brain - well that's not too exciting and explains many problems I have been dealing with lately.

The gym was attended first thing this morning.  I have been going at 5:30 am - running two miles and lifting weights, but today I was a tad late.  Probably because I didn't have to work as early or at all today at the CPA firm I have been working at for the past week or so.  It's a part-time, temporary job, thank goodness.  A guy from said 5:30 am workout introduced himself to me a few days ago and got my number.  He has been texting often and called right before I headed to the gym.  He uses winky faces in many of his texts, and sometimes I feel like too many and I am getting a bit overwhelmed.  My male-consultant says to just chill and that he's just flirting.  I say that's fine, but can't he flirt without a twitch in his eye?

A guy from California has been calling as well.  We met over the Christmas break, but it sure is difficult to know if you like a person without spending time with them.  

And somewhere in between all of this I have decided to take up knitting again so I can knit myself a red scarf and a big colorful afghan.  Maybe two.

And so February begins with a bite.