I am a continual work in progress

as we all are.  and will always be.


although sometimes, especially as of late, I feel like I am a continual work in regress, and soon the threads of the canvas will be so unraveled I won't even feel human anymore.

I used to not talk much - by way of offering my thoughts and opinions.  I think it may have been because I was scared if I had any opinions or thoughts, they would be wrong, and I didn't want to embarrass myself or make me a fool in front of others - but mostly I was afraid of wrong.  So I kept very quiet and remained somewhat opinion-less cause sometimes, it was just easier that way.

one day I got a real job at a real landscape architecture firm.  here I became known as the E.F. Hutton of the group..."when E.F. Hutton talks, people listen."  I don't think it was because what I said was so wise and profound, but rather, they so rarely heard my opinion, that when I did give it - people did listen because they were in such shock that I was speaking up. 

then I left my job and started my own landscape design business.

now I had to talk.  and that talking had to revolve around my opinions and ideas, which, all of the sudden I was expected to give if I expected to survive.  now, if I would have chosen to be a storyteller or an actress as a profession, I could have gotten around it all..."here, just read this..."

the past three.five years has been a steep and sometimes sharp learning curve for me as I have had to learn how to talk, communicate and give my opinions.  I have had to overcome the unhealthy fear of 'being wrong' and have had to learn what my opinions were and are...and then had to learn to modify them time and time again because sometimes, you just don't know what your opinions are until you start talking about them, hearing others, and have lots of experience.

so I have learned a lot about talking and communicating.  A LOT.  still learning... almost as if it's been a foreign language for the past 29 years.  And with all of this learning has come lots of mistakes...more off-key notes than on.  Sometimes sharp, sometimes flat.  And at the end of each experience, be it a blunder or a success - I do try to learn from it and not hit the same wrong note twice (yeah right).  all of the above has been written using the past tense - but really, this is what I am currently in the middle of.  and I think we all are, but instead of being at level 29, I am at the lovely level 14, or 17...a rough and trying level.   

and lately I feel like I have been hitting a lot of wrong notes.  my only hope is that this instrumental parallel holds true to the fact that you can't ever play or perform flawlessly or accomplished, until and unless you have played imperfectly and as an amateur.  how many years do parents endure of their children making a raucous, rather than music?  they all do.  how many children want to quit because they don't believe they'll ever get past making a raucous, and it will always be a tedious and frustrating challenge, not to mention sometimes boring?  they all do.  i hope.  and then once you have mastered the level 1 and 2 stuff, you get to feel like a fool all over again as you play at more advanced levels 3 and 4...and the cycle of mistakes and accomplishment repeats itself all the way up to whatever level you're willing to take it to...

Phew.

A few things I am learning on this rocky road of talking and communicating:

I am learning (the hard way)...

*****
to not be scared of wrong
to accept doing wrong as I do, - and then gracefully, learn from it, fix it and become better and do right 
letting go of perfectionism without losing integrity
that perfectionism is a kind of self-centeredness
perfectionism and being my best are not the same thing
perfectionism is focused on self, being my best self is focused on something outside of self
many times I come to the best conclusions by talking out loud all the stupid ideas first
to not be afraid of my ideas
to not be afraid to talk 
to rationally stand up for myself, my thoughts and opinions
be willing to listen and the modify my thoughts and opinions as needs be
don't self-sacrifice at the expense for something of a lesser value
to always be kind
show and feel respect to all, indifferent of their station in life
be honest
be sincere 
be punctual
have a sense of humor
mean what you say - follow through
don't judge
don't take personal offense
don't criticize
be mindful of how you react to situations, especially stressful ones
don't talk about others negatively, a.k.a. gossip
remember to breath
don't jump to conclusions
sometime I wish texting wasn't the medium for certain types of conversations, it can easily go awry
don't assume
have confidence in myself
smile
learn to laugh out loud
be wise as a serpent, and harmless as a dove
forgive openly, readily and sincerely and hope that others forgive me

*****